I’m going to Auckland this weekend, I’m so flippin excited about that. Dad and I are going up, he’ll be staying with family friends, I’ll be staying with some friends I have up there. Wait did I mention this in my previous entry? Probably. Anyway, we’re going up on Friday, and I’ll be staying with some friends who recently got married. I can’t wait to see their wedding photos (even though i was at the wedding), I’m just a sucker for wedding pics. Apparently the ones I took are better, and yeah, I’d believe that haha. I am an awesome photographer after all… Anyway yeah, staying with them on the Friday night, then staying at my best friend’s flat on the Saturday.
The best friend… Here comes something blog worthy. My best friend is 4 and a half years (and a day) older than me. He’s also a male. (hence the “he”). I’m also in love with him, and have been for almost three years. But that’s another story. He moved up to Auckland the weekend after I moved to Australia. At the time, that was absolutely okay. I was no longer in the country, so it didn’t really make a difference whereabouts in New Zealand he lived. It was freaking hard being away from him, but I was coping as well as I could. (actually not quite as well as i could, but i was coping nontheless). but now that i’m back in tauranga (our hometown, 3 hours drive from Auckland), I’m absolutely resenting the fact that he’s not here. Do any of you know how horrific it is to go through your mother’s death, and not have your best friend around? I truly hope you don’t, and never do. It is the shittest thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s so horrible knowing that he’s not here. That he can’t just come round when I’m feeling down, lonely, angry, confused, whatever. Phone calls, emails and text messages just don’t cut it. They don’t even come close. all i want is for my best friend to be here. for him to hold me. just hold me. he doesn’t need to say anything, there’s not really anything he can say. i just need him here. i’m safe when i’m with him. everything is okay when he’s around. i just want him to hold me while i cry. i feel so alone right now. more alone than ever before. and you know what? it’s because i am. i know it’s a horribly selfish thing, but all i want right now is someone in my life whose only focus is me, making sure i’m okay, making sure i’m as happy as i can be, just being there for me 24/7. I don’t have anybody like that. I’m going through this alone. Sure i’ve got friends here. but they don’t really want to deal with my issues. i just wish i had someone that loved me that much - that i was the only thing they were caring about right now. And my best friend… as much as i want him to be that person, NEED him to be that person, he can’t be. he doesn’t freaking live here for goodness’ sake. the phone calls, the texting… they almost make it harder, because they’re all such dissatisfactory forms of communication right now. i need so much more than that. i need him here with me. hgskhgskjh. what do i do? there’s nothing i can do. he’s my best friend. i can’t just go find another one. what we’ve got is different to what i’ll ever have with anyone else. i’ll just carry on struggling through this alone, i suppose. it’s my only option, really. that’s what hurts so much. he can’t be here. as much as i want it, it’s just not going to happen. i lay in bed at night crying my eyes, my soul, my heart out, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. i’m unbearably alone.
well isn’t this depressing. it’s the truth though. i’m not going to gloss over the hard stuff, there’s no point in that. except i do it so often. i’ve got this programmed response when people ask how i’m doing. “I’m fine” (or maybe “I’m okay” if i feel like changing it up a bit), “I’m doing as well as I can.” That’s not true. I’m doing shit. I’m lost, I’m alone, I’m hurting, I’m a mess. But people don’t want to hear that. It would make them feel very uncomfortable. I’m lying to so many people. People close to me. People not so close to me. There are only a few who know the truth. And only one who knows the entire truth. but he’s not here to do anything about it.
okay that’s enough, i’m getting myself all upset.
arrrggghhh.
