Ponderous Rambles

Okay so it hasn’t yet become an addiction, but that’s because I’ve been a lazy typer lately. Sometimes it’s just hard to find the motivation to get my type on!

I’m going to Auckland this weekend, I’m so flippin excited about that. Dad and I are going up, he’ll be staying with family friends, I’ll be staying with some friends I have up there. Wait did I mention this in my previous entry? Probably. Anyway, we’re going up on Friday, and I’ll be staying with some friends who recently got married. I can’t wait to see their wedding photos (even though i was at the wedding), I’m just a sucker for wedding pics. Apparently the ones I took are better, and yeah, I’d believe that haha. I am an awesome photographer after all… Anyway yeah, staying with them on the Friday night, then staying at my best friend’s flat on the Saturday.

The best friend… Here comes something blog worthy. My best friend is 4 and a half years (and a day) older than me. He’s also a male. (hence the “he”). I’m also in love with him, and have been for almost three years. But that’s another story. He moved up to Auckland the weekend after I moved to Australia. At the time, that was absolutely okay. I was  no longer in the country, so it didn’t really make a difference whereabouts in New Zealand he lived. It was freaking hard being away from him, but I was coping as well as I could. (actually not quite as well as i could, but i was coping nontheless). but now that i’m back in tauranga (our hometown, 3 hours drive from Auckland), I’m absolutely resenting the fact that he’s not here. Do any of you know how horrific it is to go through your mother’s death, and not have your best friend around? I truly hope you don’t, and never do. It is the shittest thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s so horrible knowing that he’s not here. That he can’t just come round when I’m feeling down, lonely, angry, confused, whatever. Phone calls, emails and text messages just don’t cut it. They don’t even come close. all i want is for my best friend to be here. for him to hold me. just hold me. he doesn’t need to say anything, there’s not really anything he can say. i just need him here. i’m safe when i’m with him. everything is okay when he’s around. i just want him to hold me while i cry. i feel so alone right now. more alone than ever before. and you know what? it’s because i am. i know it’s a horribly selfish thing, but all i want right now is someone in my life whose only focus is me, making sure i’m okay, making sure i’m as happy as i can be, just being there for me 24/7. I don’t have anybody like that. I’m going through this alone. Sure i’ve got friends here. but they don’t really want to deal with my issues. i just wish i had someone that loved me that much - that i was the only thing they were caring about right now. And my best friend… as much as i want him to be that person, NEED him to be that person, he can’t be. he doesn’t freaking live here for goodness’ sake. the phone calls, the texting… they almost make it harder, because they’re all such dissatisfactory forms of communication right now. i need so much more than that. i need him here with me. hgskhgskjh. what do i do? there’s nothing i can do. he’s my best friend. i can’t just go find another one. what we’ve got is different to what i’ll ever have with anyone else. i’ll just carry on struggling through this alone, i suppose. it’s my only option, really. that’s what hurts so much. he can’t be here. as much as i want it, it’s just not going to happen. i lay in bed at night crying my eyes, my soul, my heart out, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. i’m unbearably alone.

well isn’t this depressing. it’s the truth though. i’m not going to gloss over the hard stuff, there’s no point in that. except i do it so often. i’ve got this programmed response when people ask how i’m doing. “I’m fine” (or maybe “I’m okay” if i feel like changing it up a bit), “I’m doing as well as I can.” That’s not true. I’m doing shit. I’m lost, I’m alone, I’m hurting, I’m a mess. But people don’t want to hear that. It would make them feel very uncomfortable. I’m lying to so many people. People close to me. People not so close to me. There are only a few who know the truth. And only one who knows the entire truth. but he’s not here to do anything about it.

okay that’s enough, i’m getting myself all upset.
arrrggghhh.

Blogging. Here comes the new addiction, I feel. I used to blog quite often on myspace, however most of them ended up being terrible angsty. Maybe I’ll post a few to let you all see the thoughts I had when I was younger.

Where to start, where to start…

Well, it has been one month and three days since my mother died (March 21). I tell you, it has been the longest month of my life. The days just drag, everything takes such a long time to happen.

I guess I should give you a little background. My mum’s death was not unexpected. In November of 2005 she was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (or ALS). After the diagnosis however, we realised that she’d been experiencing the symptoms for a much greater period of time. There’s no prognosis with MND, it’s never the same with any two sufferers. Generally, though, 2 - 4 years after diagnosis is the norm. I won’t go into the details of the disease, you can read up on it yourself if you like, but just know this; I would not wish it upon my worst enemy (if I had one).

I was in Australia when I learnt that mum had really taken a turn for the worse. I had moved to Sydney in February to live and work with my older brother (Though that’s another story in itself). So I arranged to fly home the next day, hoping to catch mum before she died. I arrived back at the Auckland airport at 11:30pm on the night of the 21st, where an amazing friend had driven up to get me.  Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that my suitcase didn’t turn up. That was just a completely unnecessary burden, and yet, I wasn’t surprised. It never just rains, it pours, right? But I got it back the next day, so all is okay. Anyway, I arrived back home at about 3am on the Saturday morning. I wento to bed, and slept for a couple of hours, then dad woke me the next morning to say that mum had actually died the night before, just after 10pm. I was in shock. I didn’t really take it in when he told me. It was as if he’d said something like “breakfast is ready”. It was a weird, weird time. I couldn’t believe how quickly it had happened. She’d died within 48 hours of going out to the hospice.

I don’t really feel like talking about that anymore just now, so maybe I’ll leave the funeral and so on for another blog.

Now, a month on, I’m just trying to cope with day to day life. It’s hard. I cry a lot. I feel like shit a lot. I feel alone 99% of the time. But I’ve just got to get on with it. Life won’t stop, as much as I may like it to. It carries on, and if we don’t carry on with it, we get left behind. So I’m looking for a job at the moment, which is proving to be very difficult. I haven’t even heard back from the two most recent places that I applied for. Flip. Also, I’m enrolling for university, something I swore I’d never do. I don’t think anybody is that surprised. I’m “so smart”, after all. Whatever. It will just give me something to do with my days. Okay that sounds a little negative, I truly am looking forward to it.

Until then, I’m just running the house as mum used to. Well, I’m trying. It’s just dad and I, so things are very quiet. But stuff still needs to get done, you know? Washing, ironing, vacuuming, polishing… All the stuff I used to take for granted. My mum was such a hard worker. I tell you one thing though, my husband is going to love me so much. I will be the ultimate housewife, I’ve already got years of experience behind me, and I’m not even out of my teenage years…

Anyway that’s enough for now, it’s lunch time.

Peace out kiddos.